Healthy Conflict; How Often Should Couples Fight?

The idea of couples fighting may sound counterproductive. Why would a happy couple be fighting? 

Society has placed a negative stereotype on the idea of fighting in a relationship. It’s often assumed that when we see two people fighting, it means there’s a rift between them. Our minds subconsciously go to the idea that their relationship is struggling. 

It is quite the contrary. The healthiest relationships still involve fighting. Yes, happy and healthy couples fight. The difference is in the way they go about handling their conflict. Here’s a further look into how couples engage in healthy conflict.

How Often Should Couples Fight?

There’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to how often you should be fighting with your partner. If you’re fighting more often than you’d like, it isn’t necessarily grounds for worrying. On the flip side, if you’re not fighting much, it doesn’t mean you should try to do more of it.

You’re never going to agree on everything. It’s important to express your feelings, viewpoints, and concerns. Brushing things under the rug won’t be productive for the relationship. Have the discussion, let the argument or conflict happen, and find resolution. It’s better to have smaller arguments than delayed, explosive ones. 

Different Phases of Life Will Have an Impact

All relationships will go through periods of highs and lows. During different phases of your relationship, you’re going to experience different stressors. When the relationship is new, you’re more concerned with feeling the other person out. As the relationship becomes more serious, you’ll dive into deep conversations about significant topics. This is where conflict can start to arise. 

As the relationship grows, added pressures from work, family additions, social matters, and even grief will factor into the mix. Conflict will be unavoidable, but acting as a support system for each other through disagreements is key. Being empathetic towards the other person, being more intentional with your actions, and problem solving as a team will maintain a certain level of healthiness. 

The Element of Quality Over Quantity

What’s more important to consider is quality over quantity in these instances. When you are experiencing conflict, how are your arguments being managed or getting resolved? 

Healthy conflict should result in a better understanding of each other and the situation. Productive arguments can lead to new perspectives and modified goals. When conflict doesn’t lead to a productive outcome, it doesn't matter how frequently or infrequently it’s occurring. 

Helpful Tidbits for Managing Conflict

Winning isn't the Goal

As mentioned, conflict is unavoidable. If your goal in an argument is to win, this is a big red flag. Fighting with your partner should never be about winning. After all, you’re on the same team, working towards the same outcomes. Healthy conflict involves collaboration, an open mind, and honest communication.

Listen Actively

When conflict arises, it’s important to hear each other out, and do so with an active listening approach. Don’t jump the gun to get your words in. Instead, give them your full and undivided attention. Limit distractions. Demonstrate understanding by paraphrasing and asking meaningful questions. 

Timing Matters

Not every moment is an opportune time for resolving conflict. Have a plan for tabling the conversation until a more suitable time. Similarly, if a conversation becomes too heated, don’t be afraid to take a break to prevent unproductive outcomes. Make a plan to revisit it when you both are more calm and can address the situation most effectively. 

Is Your Conflict Healthy?

Periods of conflict are normal in any relationship. It’s more about how you choose to handle them. Are you fighting with your partner and concerned it's not healthy or productive? Reach out to us to learn more about managing conflict through couples therapy.